I like fairies, they didn't have it, so I was forced into this. oh well.

Well Hello Everyone,
I am sorry I know I am horrbible about updating this thing even though you would think I would be a lot better about this.  Well I am stuck in Mexico for the summer even though you would think I would be enjoying it.  Well that is so not the case so much though.  Even though I love visiting my grandmother I really want to return back to Nazareth.  It is amazing to think that I have a chance that everybody wishes to see me down here and all I want is to be in the one place that I love.  Nazareth College of Rochester.
Well I don't really have much to update because a lot of other stuff has made it into the journal that I write in every night.  Plus other stuff is just too personal to put on here though my feelings about it are just normal. 
Well I am going to try to check this more often I am just soooooo busy all the time that I haven't had the time.  So I am trying to keep up with these kind of things.
Well talk to you all later.

Hello!,
Wow!   It was a long time since I have been on here.  I have been doing here at college since January and am finally still lost about what the hell I am going to do about my life.  It is a mess and everything that goes on just continues to go on. 
I realize through all the crap that I have been through at home I love Nazareth College.  Well I have to go get my clothes from the fourth floor and I also need to go ahead and get some sleep before work tomorrow at 9:00 which means I need to be up at 7:30.
Life goes like hell, but it all gets better in the end!!!

Loves and care to all,
Samantha Eklund

Twas the night before classes

And all through the dorms

Not a student was walking

All were asleep in their beds

 

Some were to wake up at eight

While others were to wake up at ten

While one had english

And the other had seminar

 

Some do not see what a joy it is

That the classes are finally here

We do not have it clear

What will be expected to pass

 

No one knows that in the blink of an eye

There are no more five day a week courses

In the blink of an eye all the desks are gone

Replaced by the chairs with a desk connected

 

With a blink of an eye

Every Student sees that there is something to fear

And that fear is here

 

Yes Nazareth is great

But does anybody know

How much stress is about to occur

 

 

Ok..... So I am a little out of it and that is my fault becuase I should be asleep for a interview at nine fifteen.  Oh well what has changed.  I never realized that I can fully be trully happy and depressed at the same time.  I realize though that it is possible.  I believe that it is soon going to be time to go to counseling services for the fucken bipolar shit.  Not that it is anyone's fault but with out the medications and I have been off for about a year my body is going more hay wire that having soda even after six is affecting me.  I hate to say it but I think it is true that if I want to survive without my mom and here lively piece of shit help I need to go get my medications taken care of.  Well I love ya all and give me messages I will respond because now I have my own laptop.

Samantha Eklund

Well,
After two weeks of being home I am proud to say that I am returning back to NAZARETH which in the long run ends up being my real home.  Or as onthers put it the home away from home but this home here in Addison is not really my home any more it is my home by some of a biological sense but I feel happy and secure for the first time in a long time at Nazareth and that is what I have wanted for a long time. 
Some things that helped during the tough times with out cutting was thinking of different songs that have inspirational parts in them some of these inspirational parts include:
Someone's Watching Over Me
By: Hilary Duff
So I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me

Jericho
By: Hilary Duff
Hop on a fast train out of town
Downside up and Upside down
Going fast is going slow
One more mile to Jericho
Nothing is ever what it seems
When you live insider your dreams

The walls will tumble
The walls will tumble
But I'm not gonna cry
My heart won't crumble
My heart won't crumble
If we ever say goodbye

The River
Garth Brooks
You know a dream
Is like a river
Ever changin' as it flows
And a dreamer's
Just a vessel
That must follow
Where it goes
Trying to learn from
What's behind you
And never knowing
What's in store
Makes each day
A constant battle
Just to stay between
The shores
And
I will sail my vessel
Till the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never
Reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Till the river runs dry

She's a Butterfly
By: Martina McBride
She's a butterfly, pretty as the crimson sky
Nothing's ever gonna bring her down
And everywhere she goes
Everybody knows she's so glad to be alive
She's a butterfly

Well as you can tell there are plenty more but it is awesome to find songs lyrics that are helpful in helping you make it just through a day.  That is all life is about making it through day by day.
Well I got to go to bed seeing as I have to be up in four hours fun fun fun fun fun fun

I give up is what I want to say but I know I can't give up because if I give up than I am going to have to go back to my mother and I don't want that.  I worked so hard to make it this far but I feel like I am going to crack for good.

I ended up in tears last nite because of so much stress and than today I got a test and a essay back at 9:45am and was in tears till 10:15 till I had class again for writing skills.  The reason why I cried though is because I got a C+ as my grade for the second time on my second reflection and than a C+ for the second time on a quiz for that class.  The only thing that I got a higher grade for in that class is when I got an A on my notebook on monday.  Now I have to go to tutoring for that class and than I am "Suppose" to go to tutoring for science.  I than got my essay back form last week and I got a B- on it. 

I can live with the B- but the C+ and all the grades in the C range and below I can not handle.  I use to be an A student and now I am struggling really bad.  What makes it worse is that at times I feel that maybe my mom was right that I was dumb and did not desearve to go to college because I am not getting any good grades it feels like.  I know I desearve to go to college but this is getting really hard.

I will get better grades I promise myself.

Well I got to go head to a substance abuse workshop by 1 and it is 12:45 but I don't remember what classroom in the library it is.  Well talk to you all later

Samantha Eklund

-fairyring2004-

College is fun granted but it is more stressful than anyone had everwarned me.  Now I have finished studing for my test tomorrow I already took a test today and not to mind that I am driving myself completly nuts. There are a list of rules here.

1) No leaving campus except on Sundays

2)No cell phones before 5pm on weekdays

3) Be home on sunday at 5pm

4)No automobiles

5)Supposedly No radios

6) You have to get a C or higher in all courses

7) Quiet hours start at 11pm

8)DON'T be late to class

9) Be to breakfast  by 8:00

Lets just say the list goes on and on but I like it at the same time.

I am stressed thanks to people at home and for once I can say it is not my parents how wierd is that

And when I mean trapped I am fucken trapped no leaving is starting to drive me nuts

Well I got to go

Sam Eklund

I wish I understood why everyday I have a different mood. Yes I know I am bipolar but that does not change the fact that one day I am beating my self up mentally and emotionally, and now I am happy go lucky even though I failed my road test.  I wish I understood why I do that to myself and I wish I understood just a tiny bit of who I am and what I shall become.
I know I must be one of the hardest people to deal with at times and I feel bad but why is it I can't even understand my self?  Why is it that I know how I am and who I am but on the inside I am tearing myself apart?  Why is it I know who and what I am and what is expected and even though I try to behave to the best of my ability I still feel like I am the fithiest scum on earth.
Well I got to go I will write later
Samantha Eklund
Hey for any one who needs to know my new e-mail address is nazcollege2006@gmail.com or seklund4@naz.edu.